"Just write,” I tell my clients. “Do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s bad. Doesn’t matter if it’s
terrible. Just write and write and write and you’ll find your voice and you
will make great stuff.
“Write when you’re tired,” I
say. “Write when you don’t have time to write. Write about not wanting to
write. Write about what you hate, what you’re embarrassed about. If you want to
write, you have to practice. Write, and put yourself out there.”
And yet it's Day 13, not even halfway through this 30-day challenge, and good god, I’m sick
of this.
I'm sick of myself. Also, I wanted to be entertaining,
every day. I wanted to be sharp and introspective and extrospective (word?) and
colourful and engaging. I wanted have people go OH MY GOD I CAN’T WAIT FOR
TOMORROW’S INSTALLMENT OF NATALIE’S LIFE. But that’s not real. And for me to
pretend it were would be like just another social media feed of sunshine and
roses and happiness and bullshit.
One of the things I teach is
something I learned in meditation practice: start where you are.
In other words, when you’re
resisting what you’re feeling, sit with the resistance. If you want to jump out
of your skin, be with the feeling of wanting to jump out of your skin. If you
feel down and miserable because you can’t stand yourself as a human being, be with
feeling down and miserable. Drop the story and just be with the feeling.
And sooner or later, there is
peace.
I’m not down or miserable
today. I’m a little sleep-deprived and really sad be leaving my Swedish
friends tomorrow and trying desperately not to beat up on myself about not
having something brilliant or insightful to say. Ella and I went for a big walk today around a lake, today.
The leaves are changing colour, like they do in Canada. It made me homesick. Then we went for sushi. I bought some new underwear (pretty notable,
really.) Whenever we go out together, she drives the minivan and I have to sit
in the second row of seats because there’s a car seat in the passenger seat and
it’s a bitch to move. So I make jokes about being the kid and her being the
mom, and shout ARE WE THERE YET?, which we find hysterical. Until we get to a drive-through and I insist on
paying and she has to advance the car so that I can pay from my backseat and
the chick hands me a burger and two milkshakes and looks at me like maybe I’m a
bit special and then we are really hysterical.
I love having friends you can
laugh so hard with you can’t stand up straight.
Last night, I read Dr. Seuss
to my godson. He sat in my lap and put a blanket over
us, and he’s probably already forgotten all about, but it was one of the
highlights of my month.
It’s often the difficult days
that make for the good writing days. Sometimes, the good days mean you have
nothing to significant to say.
With love and good days,
Natalie
i needed to read this thank you! x
ReplyDelete